A Battle of Wills

So... where do I begin?  I've struggled with weight for years and I do mean just that-- years!  And this struggle has been much to the chagrin of my mother who, as a registered nurse and personal expert on nutrition, set out to raise me with a "healthy relationship with food".  I have to admit that she probably did a really great job when I was a kid.  I was lanky, if anything, and always athletic-- playing sports like softball, skiing, tennis, golf and eventually my passion-- field hockey!  Everything was great until I hit 8th or 9th grade.  If those years aren't the suckiest years of one's life, well... I don't know about you, but they were definitely the worst for me.  Being an only child, I was a natural at being a total spazz around my peers.  And if battling my daily social gawkieness everyday wasn't bad enough, my parents went through the most hateful venomous divorce one could imagine-- believe me, hollywood couples had nothing on my parents-- minus a coke habit, of course.   And that's when it started-- I turned to food.  I didn't even realize I was doing it.  And I never compared myself to the other girls.  Heck, my mom had spent long hours telling me not to-- and being the blissfully compliant daughter that I was, I never stopped to see that while other girls were shopping at abercrombie, I was in the women's department of JC Penny's (excuse me while I go throw up!).  It would be all too easy to blame my mom for not noticing my expanding waistline, but lets face it-- she had her own problems to tend to.  And considering I wasn't a "bad kid", I guess my emotional eating was able to slip more and more through the cracks.  My sophomore year of HS is when I hit my all-time high of 165.  I wore a size 14 to my Confirmation.  One-hundred and sixty five pounds on a 5-foot 2-inch body, I assure you, is NOT a pretty sight.  And its definitely noticeable!

I wish I could tell you how I lost the weight, but honestly, it was 10 yrs ago and I truly don't remember.  I do remember that when I graduated HS about a year later, I did so at 135.  I think that had something to do with the fact that after so many years-- I FINALLY landed myself a varsity letter wearing boyfriend.  (Its amazing what at little male attention can do for a girl!) Thank God! I wish I'd stayed that way longer.  To make a long story short, HS boyfriend and I broke up, and I bounced up and down the scale somewhere between 135 and 155 all the way through college and graduate school.  Once or twice I got into the groove of running a lot and whittled my way down to the low 120's.  I believe I was 122 for one blissful day.  And of course, shortly thereafter my college boyfriend and graduate school boyfriend and I broke up (respectively) and I reverted once more to eating my emotions.  Eww! Seriously, what is it with me and men?  Needless to say I'm not getting nominated for any feminist of the year awards anytime soon!

So now what?  Well, my mid-twenties have been much more kind to me than probably all of my tween and teen years combined.  I moved away from home (HUGE positive change), took control of my own life (*insert thumbs up here*) and met the absolute love of my life-- and if that wasn't good enough-- then I went and married him!  (I know what you're thinking... omg, not another guy!  She'll end up a mountain if this doesn't work!)  Yeaaaaaahhhhh, I know... I earned that one.  But I think the difference between my Mr. Amazing-for-Life and all the other guys is that I met my husband at a time in my life when I, as a person, was already complete.  His companionship is simply a bonus-- (understatement of the year).  In short, life is good... save for one little miserable thing:

the plateau!

yes, that's right... I'm back on the fitness wagon and standing before you (okay, sitting in front of my macbook) at 121 lbs.  I'm running, lifting, stretching and eating more cautiously than ever.  And I look at feel better than I have in a really long time-- in fact its been such a long time that I dont know if I actually can recall ever feeling or looking better! Of course this isn't my final destination.  My ideal is somewhere between 110 - 112 lbs.  And right now, I feel as though I might as well be saying that from 160 lbs.  That's how stalled I am.  And I'm not sure if anyone can understand or empathize with my frustration. 

As I go, I'll be sure to post more about my routines and eating habits.  I know that what I'm doing is healthy and I'm fairly confident that right now there is absolutely nothing more I could really be doing.  But in the mean time, this will keep me accountable and keep me from talking my dear husband's ear off about the same. damn. thing. all. the. time.